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Tag Archives: jokes

Dad Jokes…

And we can’t forget the classic…Dad, I’m thirsty. Hi, thirsty, I’m Friday, come over Saturday and we’ll have a Sunday. 🙂 

I love each and every Dad joke out there, but only because my Dad has said them all and more. Share your Dad Jokes…let’s start a support group. 

Watch the parody here. Great job kids!!
Happy Bloggin’ Ya’ll!!

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We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour….

Every once in awhile I will search the internet for advice, motivation, funny quotes….anything that will give me the inspiration to complete a challenge, or just complete a work week. If the advice is good enough I may even print it and hang it in my home office.  Here are some worthy of paper and ink:

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Do you want to speak to the manager or someone who know’s what’s going on?
Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.
Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator.
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
Integrity is Everything. I’ll sell you mine for fifty bucks.
We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour
(Thanks to Onelinerz.net for the laughs this morning!)  HAPPY FRIDAY AND HAPPY BLOGGIN’ TO YA!!

Valentine’s Day, the most “commercially driven holiday” is here, so…time to RELAX!!

Ok, so I’m sure some of you can’t relax…did you wait until the last minute to get your Sweetie a thoughtful gift and card?  Or are you waiting until this afternoon in order to find the perfect gift for him or her? If that’s the case, you need to keep on stressing!  By waiting until the very last second, you’re causing yourself unnecessary stress….so I don’t feel sorry for you!

This blog is for the ones who prepared early and shopped before today….GREAT JOB!  You can RELAX now…you’re job is done for another 365…here are some funny’s from Reader’s Digest.  (http://www.rd.com/family/11-funny-valentines-day-jokes/)

Perfectly Paired Puns  As Valentine’s Day approached, I tried to think of an unusual gift for my husband. When I discovered that his favorite red-plaid pants had a broken zipper, I thought I had the “perfect Valentine.” I had the pants repaired, and gift-wrapped them. On the package I put a huge red heart on which I printed: “My Heart Pants for You.” I was the surprised one, however, when I saw the same heart taped to our formerly empty, but now overflowing, wood box. On it he had written: “Wood You Be My Valentine?”  – Contributed by Mary Lou Pittman

A Little Nuts About Love  Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign. “Why the new sign?” I asked. “My boyfriend didn’t approve of the old one,” she said. When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: “Local Honey Dates Nuts”  – Contributed by Theodore Bologna

Check Out a Romance  I met my husband while I was working in a science library. He came in every week to read the latest journals and eventually decided to take out the librarian instead of the books.  After a year and a half of dating, he showed up at the library and started rummaging through my desk. I asked what he was looking for, but he didn’t answer.  Finally he unearthed one of the rubber stamps I used to identify reference books. “Since I couldn’t find the right engagement ring,” he said, “this will have to do,” and he firmly stamped my hand. Across my knuckles, in capital letters, it read “NOT FOR CIRCULATION.”  – Contributed by Ruth E. Chodrow

Sweet Nothings (.com)  My boyfriend and I met online and we’d been dating for over a year. I introduced Hans to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we met over the Internet. He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick me up. Ever the geek, Hans naively replied, “I just used a regular 56K modem.”  – Contributed by Anne McConnell

Pastoral Passion  The lingerie store where my aunt works was crowded with shoppers selecting Valentine’s Day gifts for their wives. A young businessman came to the register with a lacy black negligee. My aunt noticed that the next customer, an elderly farmer, was holding a long flannel nightgown and kept glancing at the younger man’s sexier choice. When it was his turn, the farmer placed the nightgown on the counter. “Would you have anything in black flannel?” He asked. – Contributed by Christine A. Pandolfo 

9 to 5 Love  My husband, a certified public accountant, works 15-hour days for the first few months of the year. In spite of his hectic schedule, he took time out to order me flowers for Valentine’s Day. While pondering what sweet endearment to write on the card, he obviously began thinking of the many hours of work still ahead of him. His note read: “Roses are red, violets are blue. If I weren’t thinking of you, I’d probably be through.”  – Contributed by Cindy Wolf

Mower Than a Greeting Card  My friend Mark and I work in a lawn-mower-parts warehouse. Somehow Mark got the idea that his wife did not want a card on Valentine’s Day, but when he spoke to her on the phone he discovered she was expecting one. Not having time to buy a card on his way home, Mark was in a quandary. Then he looked at the lawn-mower trade magazines scattered around the office — and got an idea. Using scissors and glue, he created a card with pictures of mowers, next to which he wrote: “I lawn for you mower and mower each day.” Mark’s wife loved it. The card immediately graced their refrigerator door. – Contributed by Gene Hyde

Irresistable Irony  About a year had passed since my amicable divorce, and I decided it was time to start dating again. Unsure how to begin, I thought I’d scan the personals column of my local newspaper. I came across three men who seemed like they’d be promising candidates. A couple of days later, I was checking my answering machine and discovered a message from my ex-husband. “I was over visiting the kids yesterday,” he said. “While I was there I happened to notice you had circled some ads in the paper. Don’t bother calling the guy in the second column. I can tell you right now it won’t work out. That guy is me.”  – Contributed by Pat Patel

Making the Grade My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader. One day I received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription: “BE MINE.” The following day, I received in return a valentine from the teacher. It read: “Thank you, but it’s still BE MINE-US.”  – Contributed by Brad Wilcox

Read All About It  Every Valentine’s Day our campus newspaper has a section for student messages. Last year my roommate surprised his girlfriend with roses and dinner at a fancy restaurant. When they returned from their date, she leafed through the paper to see if he had written a note to her. Near the bottom of one page she found: “Bonnie — What are you looking here for? Aren’t dinner and flowers enough? Love, Scott.”  – Contributed by Richard B. Blackwell

Devoted and Determined  During World War II my parents had planned a romantic Valentine’s Day wedding. Suddenly my father, then stationed at Camp Edwards in Massachusetts, received orders to prepare to ship out, and all leaves were canceled. Being a young man in love, he went AWOL. He and my mother were married four days earlier than originally planned and he returned to base to an angry sergeant. After hearing the explanation, the sergeant understandingly replied, “Okay, okay!” Then, as an afterthought: “But don’t let it happen again!”  – Contributed by Sandra L. Caron

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